dude i'm inner monologue high
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
