she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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