Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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