Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize