I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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