you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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