That's when you crack a 10am beer
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
