she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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