I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
