Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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