my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
false alarm. still invincible.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
