i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
