My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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