They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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