I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
