I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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