just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sext me about skeletons
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
