I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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