I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
