So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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