When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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