I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got inside last night via doggy door
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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