Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
