I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We have started to decorate penises.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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