I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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