I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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