genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
