did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
