why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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