It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
