i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but donโt like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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