90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
