There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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