Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize