I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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