HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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