I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
