he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
