dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
