***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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