I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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