I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
