I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
