Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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