Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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