I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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