The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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