Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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