Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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