Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
