You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize