My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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