I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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