There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
