Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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