he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize