He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
