Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Houston, we have a blender
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
