the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
