Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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