I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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