were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize