So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
