did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
